Toxic Bosses & Top Performers

The most valuable employees are often the people targeted by toxic bosses. This seems counter-intuitive, but the pattern is clear. The highest performers are abused the most in a toxic workplace.

Let's explore the cycle of abuse for a moment. It looks like this:

The cycle of abuse consistently follows this pattern, whether the abuse is occurring in the family of origin, in a friendship, within a marriage or partnership, or in the workplace.

When specifically discussing workplace abuse and trauma committed by a manager or supervisor, it begins with the employee feeling that "something is off" with their boss. This is the "Tension Building" phase. Targets often report to me that there is a time frame where though they are outperforming their colleagues, something "doesn't feel right" with their boss. Some examples my clients give include being ignored in the hallway or break room, dismissive comments in meetings, glaring, or short, terse replies to questions or requests for feedback on a project.

The second phase is the "Incident" which is typically being raged at, sworn at, humiliated, insulted, or a violent response may occur such as the boss smashing a fist down on a desk while shouting at them, throwing something across the room, or ushering the employee into the office and slamming the door to cause a startle response. This incident is intended to cause fear in the employee.

The third phase is called the "Reconciliation" phase. This is when the boss will suddenly show up in the office or cubicle of the employee and treat them well, perhaps by wishing them a good morning or bringing them coffee. At this stage, there may be a form of an apology, but the apology isn't truly sincere. It may look like, "I'm sorry that we got into a disagreement the other day." (You'll notice here that the toxic person will attempt to include the victim in the abuse as if they were both equally responsible). If the victim speaks up and states that they were not, in fact, also yelling then a typical response from the abuser is to state that they didn't yell either, or that there wasn't really an incident at all, or that the employee is "too sensitive" or "over-reacting." This type of reaction is often referred to as "minimizing."

The fourth phase is the "Calm" or "Honeymoon" phase. The toxic boss may begin complimenting the targeted employee, saying nice things about them in meetings, reward the employee for being a high performer, and so forth. The target often starts rationalizing that maybe the abuse wasn't as bad as they thought, maybe their boss was just having a bad day, or maybe if they work even harder another incident will not occur. So, they stay in the toxic workplace hoping that things are now improving. However, the cycle repeats, and the "Tension Building" phase begins again.

And this brings us back to why high performers are often the target of a toxic boss. Abusive or toxic people lead from a place of inner shame, insecurity, and fear - and this is why they abuse employees or colleagues. Agreeable and empathetic people are consistently trying to make everything better, do more, please people, and work harder to improve the situation.

This becomes a never-ending dance that may leave the target exhausted, depressed, and experiencing physical and emotional distress. Some symptoms may include insomnia, intestinal issues, weight gain or weight loss, rashes, migraines, and hair loss.

Being the target of abuse is never, ever your fault. It is our responsibility, however, to start recognizing this cycle of abuse, distancing ourselves emotionally, and gaining the strength to create an exit strategy.

Abuse affects every area of your life including your physical health, your ability to sleep, your memory, your stress levels, and your emotional well-being. If you are in a toxic workplace, I can help you find the strength to leave and make a career transition into a healthy company. This is a trauma recovery process where I will help you remember who you really are, identify all that you have to offer, build your self-esteem, find your passion, and advance in your career.