Recognizing Workplace Abuse & Reclaiming Your Power
Understanding the Cycle of Abuse in the Workplace
The cycle of abuse, a recognized pattern in psychology, follows similar stages regardless of where it occurs—in families, friendships, partnerships, or workplaces. When the abuse is at the hands of a CEO, leader, manager, or supervisor, certain phases reveal themselves consistently.
It might seem counterintuitive, but dedicated employees often find themselves targeted by toxic bosses. While many assume strong performers would be prized assets, they frequently experience the brunt of abusive dynamics within toxic workplaces.
Tension Building: The cycle often begins when the employee senses that “something is off.” You know that feeling in your gut when something’s not quite right? Yeah, that’s not just paranoia - trust it.
This phase involves subtleties that create a palpable but undefined tension. Employees frequently report feeling a growing unease even while they’re surpassing expectations. Common signs include bosses who ignore or avoid the employee in shared spaces, make subtly demeaning remarks, offer terse responses, or seem generally dismissive.
The Incident: In the next phase, tensions peak in direct incidents of aggression or abuse, both overt and covert. Overt tactics are usually unmistakable and can include behaviors like yelling, belittling, or even physically intimidating actions like slamming fists on desks or throwing objects. The intention is clear: to instill fear and assert control.
Note: Covert abuse proves more insidious, subtly undermining the target without direct confrontation.
This can include giving the cold shoulder, prolonged ignoring, making sarcastic or mocking remarks, dismissing the employee’s input publicly, or mimicking behavior in a way that ridicules. (And no, you’re not “being too sensitive” - that’s their favorite gaslighting line!) The goal remains to destabilize the employee, but in a way that is more difficult to pinpoint or address directly.
Reconciliation: After these outbursts, the toxic boss may reappear with unexpected kindness—greetings, praise, or small gestures. Any apology offered is often hollow, such as “I’m sorry things got heated,” which dodges accountability. At times, they may even attempt to rewrite the incident, invalidating the victim’s experience by minimizing or denying it. This gaslighting tactic—common among individuals with narcissistic traits or other Cluster B tendencies—shifts blame and keeps the target disoriented and questioning their own perception.
Calm or Honeymoon: During this phase, the abusive cycle lulls the victim into a false sense of stability. The boss may commend the employee in meetings or offer praise, leading the target to believe that perhaps the issue was exaggerated, or that things are improving. Here’s the truth: Nothing is going to change after the Christmas office party. The good feelings will be gone as the cycle inevitably restarts.
Why Competent Employees Become Targets
Let’s be clear: Confident, knowledgeable, and emotionally mature people do not try to tear others down. Abusive leaders often act out of a deep-seated fear of humiliation, perceiving capable employees as potential threats to their authority or competence. These targeted individuals may be not only driven but also highly empathetic, adaptable, and diplomatic qualities that often make them successful but also more likely to accommodate or smooth over tensions. They frequently go above and beyond, believing that working harder will stabilize the relationship. However, abusive bosses view these qualities as challenges to their control, leading them to undermine those they perceive as rivals.
Recognizing the Impact and Breaking Free
The toll on targeted employees is immense and manifests across physical, mental, and emotional dimensions. Hair loss? Check. Insomnia? Check. Stomach issues flaring up? Check. Prolonged exposure to workplace abuse can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and heightened stress, often resulting in feelings of self-doubt, shame, or hopelessness. If your body’s sending up these stress flares, it’s time to listen.
Taking action begins with strategies to distance oneself while implementing an exit plan. Start by “observing, not absorbing” the boss’s behavior, and ”responding, not reacting” The goal is to maintain emotional boundaries and to preserve mental energy. Implementing BIFF responses—Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (or Factual and Firm, as appropriate)—can be a powerful tool for communication in high-conflict situations. These approaches help keep interactions professional and to the point, reducing opportunities for the toxic boss to twist the narrative.
Reclaiming Power and Moving Forward
There is more than hope; there is the power to take control of your career. Recognizing the cycle of abuse is the first step to breaking free. Taking charge of your own career journey is incredibly empowering. By implementing systematic exit strategies while maintaining professional standards, you can transition from toxic environments to opportunities that honor your contributions. Remember: your competence isn’t the problem - it’s the catalyst revealing organizational dysfunction. Repeat after me: “This is about their dysfunction, not my performance or value.” Use this awareness to fuel your transition to an environment that values authentic leadership and healthy workplace dynamics.
Abuse in the workplace affects every aspect of life—health, memory, stress levels, and emotional well-being. As you distance yourself, gather support, and implement a strategy, you’ll gain the strength to step into a healthier, more fulfilling work environment.
You are not imagining it. You are not being too sensitive. They are not “just having a bad day.” It will not get better with time – it will get worse. You do not deserve it, and it is not your responsibility to fix it. Genuinely confident, emotionally mature people do not try to tear other people down. As a trauma-informed career coach, I specialize in helping professionals navigate toxic work environments and rebuild their careers with confidence. If you’re ready to make a change, I can help you rediscover your true self, rebuild confidence, and create a path forward where your talent is valued, your strengths are celebrated, and you’re free to thrive.
Remember: This isn’t just about escaping a toxic situation—it’s about reclaiming your professional narrative and stepping into an environment worthy of your contributions.
Ready to take the first step? Schedule a free Discovery Call to learn more about my services and costs at careersavvycoaching.com. Together, we’ll create a strategy that honors your experience and guides you toward a healthier, more fulfilling professional future.
